fam·i·ly
/ˈfam(ə)lē/
noun
1. a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit.
2. all the descendants of a common ancestor.
2. all the descendants of a common ancestor.
Above is a standard dictionary definition of the word family, which is
certainly not wrong, yet the degree to which it resonates with
an individual depends largely on their personal experience. This phenomenon
is especially true for the Chinese adoptee, who's own knowledge of their
genetics, ancestry, and extended familial relationships is largely unknown.
Specifically, we can see immediately that an adoptee is not biologically related
to anyone in their family simply based on the way they look. Moreover, how
the adoptee percieves "parental" or "sibling" relationships is distinct
from that of non-adoptees. The idea of belonging to something as rigid and definitive as
at traditional family tree feels uncomfortable for many; thus, many adoptees
are faced with the challenge of forging their own unique, unconventional definition
of what the word 'family' means to them.
"I have a complicated relationship with my adoptive family.
To me, I believe that true family is the people that you choose to
keep around you. The people whom you love and who love you. You might
not always like each other, but the love runs deep. I have found
family in close friends and that’s enough for me.""
"I define family as those that you love unconditionally who returns that same affection."
"My definition of family is primarily my adopted mom and dad, though I rarely think of them as my “adopted” family unless it’s in contexts that revolve around adoption. They are my family because they provide me with love, guidance, and emotional support."
"Saying “adoptive family” doesn’t feel genuine. They are just my family even with all of our differences and disagreements. Still, I can feel a bit ostracized by my extended family that are white and generally not as progressive as my direct family members."
"I’ve always had a broad definition of family as something that can cross biological ties. I consider close friends and pets as family."
"Family means the people who raise and love me. Blood and lineage don’t automatically equal family and I don’t really care about other people talking about their lineage or ancestors. When I think of genetics I think of my physical makeup. I’ve detached genetics and family and I’m only reminded of the connection in school assignments that assume heteronormative family structures."
"I define family as those that you love unconditionally who returns that same affection."
"My definition of family is primarily my adopted mom and dad, though I rarely think of them as my “adopted” family unless it’s in contexts that revolve around adoption. They are my family because they provide me with love, guidance, and emotional support."
"Saying “adoptive family” doesn’t feel genuine. They are just my family even with all of our differences and disagreements. Still, I can feel a bit ostracized by my extended family that are white and generally not as progressive as my direct family members."
"I’ve always had a broad definition of family as something that can cross biological ties. I consider close friends and pets as family."
"Family means the people who raise and love me. Blood and lineage don’t automatically equal family and I don’t really care about other people talking about their lineage or ancestors. When I think of genetics I think of my physical makeup. I’ve detached genetics and family and I’m only reminded of the connection in school assignments that assume heteronormative family structures."
"The most affected relationship would maybe have to be with my adopted,
younger sister (not biological) because we never got along as kids and
I distinctly remember us having a fight one time as children and I told
her that I asked our parents for a sister. I don’t even remember the context
but we just cried and cried together after I said that, and that instance
from years ago was probably the most we’ve ever bonded as adopted siblings."
"I love that my brothers never really made a big deal about it like I wasn’t their “Chinese” or “adopted” sister, I was just their annoying little sister Amy."
"One family relationship that’s been important for me as an adoptee is with my aunt. She’s from China and I learned a lot about China through her. I’d say that relationship really helped me become more interested in my Chinese heritage and the culture."
"I have a sister who is also an adoptee and I think that makes us closer. In terms of parents, I have a great relationship with them. My extended family members are a different story. I’m not close with any of them due to a number of factors and one of this is the fact that I grew up in a conservative area where diversity and adoptees are hard to find. This affects how they see the world and view Asians particularly China. The fact that some members can say that “communist China” is horrible and then turn around and ask me about my classes shows a blatant disconnect that my adoptee status is important."
"I have a twin sister and we were adopted together, and we are incredibly close. I don’t think this closeness is solely due to the fact that we are twins. I think we sort of cling on to each other, because we both know deep down that we are the only “true” family the other has. I think our passionate bond has been misinterpreted by other members of my family. My mom and brother would often express feelings of exclusion, sometimes jealousy."
"I think the biggest challenge for me is knowing that I have another set of parents, my biological ones. It’s difficult to go day by day knowing that the people who share your genetics and looks are out there somewhere but, I’m so grateful for the life I was given and wouldn’t change anything."
"I love that my brothers never really made a big deal about it like I wasn’t their “Chinese” or “adopted” sister, I was just their annoying little sister Amy."
"One family relationship that’s been important for me as an adoptee is with my aunt. She’s from China and I learned a lot about China through her. I’d say that relationship really helped me become more interested in my Chinese heritage and the culture."
"I have a sister who is also an adoptee and I think that makes us closer. In terms of parents, I have a great relationship with them. My extended family members are a different story. I’m not close with any of them due to a number of factors and one of this is the fact that I grew up in a conservative area where diversity and adoptees are hard to find. This affects how they see the world and view Asians particularly China. The fact that some members can say that “communist China” is horrible and then turn around and ask me about my classes shows a blatant disconnect that my adoptee status is important."
"I have a twin sister and we were adopted together, and we are incredibly close. I don’t think this closeness is solely due to the fact that we are twins. I think we sort of cling on to each other, because we both know deep down that we are the only “true” family the other has. I think our passionate bond has been misinterpreted by other members of my family. My mom and brother would often express feelings of exclusion, sometimes jealousy."
"I think the biggest challenge for me is knowing that I have another set of parents, my biological ones. It’s difficult to go day by day knowing that the people who share your genetics and looks are out there somewhere but, I’m so grateful for the life I was given and wouldn’t change anything."
"I find it hard to relate and sympathize with people who really
care about their bloodline. For example, parents worrying about
the race their child marries or finding out your father isn’t your biological father."
"I remember being in sophomore biology class, we were studying genetics and the assignment was “create your own punnet square based on your own genetics from your parents.” Obviously I couldn’t create an “accurate” square since I’m not biologically related to my parents. I never ended up saying anything since I felt weird bringing it up to my teacher but, deep down it did make me feel uncomfortable since it seemed I was the only one in this situation."
" I find it hard to relate and sympathize with people who really care about their bloodline. For example, parents worrying about the race their child marries or finding out your father isn’t your biological father. "
"At times, I feel a bit left out when people talk about how they’re able to trace their genetic lineage more extensively since that’s something I can’t really do. When I hear people talk about ancestors I think it’s something I’m better able to relate to since, in my mind, the ancestors from my biological family sort of conceptually transcend geographic barriers."
"I feel quite removed when people talk about their “lineage.” To me, this topic has never been accessible because I was never provided with information or access to information about my genetics, ancestors, or lineage."
"For an elementary school project on tracking family heritage, I told the story about my family’s Italian and Jewish background and not my own story coming from China. I genuinely found their European ancestral stories and lineages to be intriguing even though I didn’t actually have a connection to it myself. "
"One thing that has always bothered me is that I don’t know my genetic heritage and never know what illnesses I could be predisposed to. It occured to me very early on as a child when I was asked at the doctor if my family has “history of heart disease” or “history of mental illness."
"I remember being in sophomore biology class, we were studying genetics and the assignment was “create your own punnet square based on your own genetics from your parents.” Obviously I couldn’t create an “accurate” square since I’m not biologically related to my parents. I never ended up saying anything since I felt weird bringing it up to my teacher but, deep down it did make me feel uncomfortable since it seemed I was the only one in this situation."
" I find it hard to relate and sympathize with people who really care about their bloodline. For example, parents worrying about the race their child marries or finding out your father isn’t your biological father. "
"At times, I feel a bit left out when people talk about how they’re able to trace their genetic lineage more extensively since that’s something I can’t really do. When I hear people talk about ancestors I think it’s something I’m better able to relate to since, in my mind, the ancestors from my biological family sort of conceptually transcend geographic barriers."
"I feel quite removed when people talk about their “lineage.” To me, this topic has never been accessible because I was never provided with information or access to information about my genetics, ancestors, or lineage."
"For an elementary school project on tracking family heritage, I told the story about my family’s Italian and Jewish background and not my own story coming from China. I genuinely found their European ancestral stories and lineages to be intriguing even though I didn’t actually have a connection to it myself. "
"One thing that has always bothered me is that I don’t know my genetic heritage and never know what illnesses I could be predisposed to. It occured to me very early on as a child when I was asked at the doctor if my family has “history of heart disease” or “history of mental illness."
"The controversies of transnational and transracial
adoption are probably lost to [my parents]. I have heard other people talk about
being adopted as having to “grieve a lost family.” This is such a poignant
sentiment, but I think it does speak to my experience. It’s so hard to
rationalize this part of myself with my largely positive and supportive
upbringing."
"My parents were always open to talking about adoption with both my sister and I growing up. They made sure that we knew it was and still is okay to want to ask questions and have a variety of emotions about being adopted."
"One specific thing I wish my family knew or understood better about being an adoptee, especially in an interracial family, is how my race impacts me on a day to day basis. It’s hard to explain to them how big of a factor that is for me since they don’t necessarily look at me as being too racially different as their child."
"while I viewed myself as their child and them as my parents, I would always get asked why they don’t look like me, why they are so much older than me, or if they were my neighbors. As a child, I never asked for this type of scrutiny and it made me withdraw heavily into myself when I was around classmates and my parents. I felt embarrassed, burdened, and uncomfortable to have to be reminded of being abandoned with little vocabulary or knowledge to navigate or combat these feelings, so I think eventually I started to not have my friends be around them and never brought people to my house; I would always go to theirs. I think this type of defensiveness instilled at a young age made me become instinctively protective of my parents when people talk about them because I would constantly have to defend my reason for being here, existence, and identity. "
"My parents were always open to talking about adoption with both my sister and I growing up. They made sure that we knew it was and still is okay to want to ask questions and have a variety of emotions about being adopted."
"One specific thing I wish my family knew or understood better about being an adoptee, especially in an interracial family, is how my race impacts me on a day to day basis. It’s hard to explain to them how big of a factor that is for me since they don’t necessarily look at me as being too racially different as their child."
"while I viewed myself as their child and them as my parents, I would always get asked why they don’t look like me, why they are so much older than me, or if they were my neighbors. As a child, I never asked for this type of scrutiny and it made me withdraw heavily into myself when I was around classmates and my parents. I felt embarrassed, burdened, and uncomfortable to have to be reminded of being abandoned with little vocabulary or knowledge to navigate or combat these feelings, so I think eventually I started to not have my friends be around them and never brought people to my house; I would always go to theirs. I think this type of defensiveness instilled at a young age made me become instinctively protective of my parents when people talk about them because I would constantly have to defend my reason for being here, existence, and identity. "
"I was often mistaken for my mom’s granddaughter. My mom was a bit of an
older mom and so people sometimes thought maybe her daughter had married
a Chinese man to produce a Chinese baby, or something along those lines.
My mom would just laugh it off and clarify, so that’s what I learned to do."
"we were boarding a flight and my mom asked, with me standing next to her, if her daughter could board earlier with her, and the woman said sure but asked where her daughter was. My mom in these situations never missed a beat and we never got upset by it, but it’s interesting to see how these things happen more and more now that I am older. When you’re a little kid, it makes more sense--kid with adult is more obvious. Adult with adult makes less sense."
"Both my older sister and I are adopted, but from different families. We’re often asked if we’re “real sisters.” We both typically wonder why people ask that question because of course we’re real sisters, we grew up together and our parents don’t treat us as if we weren’t real sisters. But the thing people usually mean when they ask that question is whether or not we’re biological sisters, which is a valid question to ask. There have also been quite a few times when I’ve been mistaken for not my parents' child. Usually, it is a bit awkward having to clarify, but it’s something we end up just laughing off."
"When I was younger I was mistaken for other people's children, and also for not my mom's child. When I was picked up from camp all the counselors would look at her funny as we walked away because they probably thought she was an aunt or she was kidnapping me."
"Recently my dad remarried and his new spouse is Asian, like me. There’s never been a time where people mistaken her as my mom but whenever we’re out in public I always think that’s what people are thinking. When I meet people for the first time, they automatically assume that I’m mixed which doesn’t really bother me. When people find out that I’m not only adopted but adopted by white people, their reaction changes. I have had people say to me “I’m sorry” that is what bothers me.
"we were boarding a flight and my mom asked, with me standing next to her, if her daughter could board earlier with her, and the woman said sure but asked where her daughter was. My mom in these situations never missed a beat and we never got upset by it, but it’s interesting to see how these things happen more and more now that I am older. When you’re a little kid, it makes more sense--kid with adult is more obvious. Adult with adult makes less sense."
"Both my older sister and I are adopted, but from different families. We’re often asked if we’re “real sisters.” We both typically wonder why people ask that question because of course we’re real sisters, we grew up together and our parents don’t treat us as if we weren’t real sisters. But the thing people usually mean when they ask that question is whether or not we’re biological sisters, which is a valid question to ask. There have also been quite a few times when I’ve been mistaken for not my parents' child. Usually, it is a bit awkward having to clarify, but it’s something we end up just laughing off."
"When I was younger I was mistaken for other people's children, and also for not my mom's child. When I was picked up from camp all the counselors would look at her funny as we walked away because they probably thought she was an aunt or she was kidnapping me."
"Recently my dad remarried and his new spouse is Asian, like me. There’s never been a time where people mistaken her as my mom but whenever we’re out in public I always think that’s what people are thinking. When I meet people for the first time, they automatically assume that I’m mixed which doesn’t really bother me. When people find out that I’m not only adopted but adopted by white people, their reaction changes. I have had people say to me “I’m sorry” that is what bothers me.